Office Wars
by Anne Packrat
Summary: Breda launches the opening salvo in the war against Hughes and his pictures. NOTE: On hiatus until further notice.


Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist was created by Hiromu Arakawa and is distributed by Square-Enix, Viz and Funimation. I just borrow them for cosplay and screwed up fanfiction.

Warning: This story contains sexual language, situations and dialogue. Profanity abounds. Some readers may find this story mildly disturbing, but don't worry, they're all just joking. (Except Riza. -)

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Office Wars

Chapter 1: Breda's Modest Proposal

A FMA Oneshot Series

by Anne Packrat

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"Breda, there is no way this is going to work," Falman said, as he watched the portly lieutenant scan the hallway.

The aforementioned soldier didn't look away from his post at the door. "I told you I'm a master strategist. You have to trust me," he said, "Just ask Havoc."

The tall blond held up his hands. "No way! Don't you dare drag me into this scheme of yours." He winced and rubbed his shoulder. "My bruises still haven't healed from the last time."

Breda shot him a stricken look. "Et tu, Havoc?" He shook his head at his disbelieving colleagues. "I swear, you guys have no faith." He grinned suddenly. "Just you wait. When this works I guarantee we'll have one, no two! Two weeks of freedom from the man."

"Yeah, right..." Falman muttered, but Breda ignored him.

"He's coming!" the red haired mastermind exclaimed before closing the door. He quickly took his seat and tried to look busy. "Just act natural!" he whispered to the two other men. Falman frowned and Havoc rolled his eyes.

The door burst open to reveal the target of today's operation, a man who struck fear in the hearts of all who heard his name...

Lt. Colonel Maes Hughes.

"Why, hello, my busy little worker bees! And how are you all this fine day?"

Several noncommittal grunts and shrugs met his inquiry. The lukewarm answers did nothing to dampen the Lieutenant Colonel's enthusiasm, however.

"And where are the others today?"

"Fuery has the day off and Lieutenant Hawkeye is at the shooting range," Falman answered, not looking up from his work.

Hughes frowned. Less people meant less daughter admirers. "And Roy?"

"Don't know," Falman replied. He signed the paper in front of him and reached for another file. "The colonel hightailed it out of here as soon as Hawkeye left. Most likely had a date, I would guess."

"Lucky flamer," Havoc muttered under his breath.

Hughes looked around at the three men. "You all are such gloomy pusses today! We have to cheer you up somehow..."

The man rubbed his bristly chin while appearing to be deep in thought. Breda and Falman groaned while Havoc whimpered. They all knew where the Lt. Colonel's thoughts generally went to.

Suddenly snapping his fingers, Hughes grinned and reached inside his jacket. "You all just need 40 c.c.s of Elicia cuteness! It's the magical cure!"

The proud father shoved a photo under Havoc's nose. "Look, she just got a new dress!" Havoc's eyes crossed as he tried to focus on the picture. Mentally he tried to call Breda to start his plan, and apparently it worked. He saw the redhead get up from his desk and approach them.

Hughes didn't notice the lieutenant bearing down on them and continued to regale the smoker with his daughter's incredible talents. "And she's so smart that she knows how to tie her shoes now all by herself! And here she is hugging her teddy bear. Isn't she just so adorable that you could eat her right up?"

Breda cleared his throat drawing Hughes' attention away from a very grateful Havoc. He held out his hand. "Could I see that picture please, sir?"

His grin widening, Hughes eagerly handed him the photo. "Of course!"

The portly man brought the picture to his face and examined it closely. After about thirty seconds of intense study he handed it back to Hughes. "I'm afraid not, sir."

Brows knitting in confusion, Hughes asked, "What?"

Breda dropped his hand. "You asked if I could eat her right up. I'm afraid I wouldn't at this point, sir."

Hughes' eye twitched. "Are you saying my daughter isn't cute, Lieutenant?" His voice held more than a hint of menace.

Breda shook his head then met Hughes' glare head on. "Not at all, sir. She's adorable." Hughes moved to speak but Breda held up a hand to stop him. "You specifically asked if I could eat her up. And that is what I said no to. " Trying hard not to grin as he saw the shocked expression on his face, Breda elaborated, "Judging from the picture, which you did seem to imply was recent, then I doubt there's enough meat on her for a full meal. This is all in theory, of course."

Hughes' jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the portly lieutenant. "You- You want to eat MY DAUGHTER?"

Again Breda shook his head. "Well, not really. I was merely replying to your question about whether or not it is possible to eat up your daughter. It is possible to indeed eat her, but it would not be a satisfying meal. Perhaps in a year or two she will be more filling."

His jaw slack and mouth working soundlessly, Hughes was speechless. The picture of his daughter fell from numb fingers. Breda knelt and retrieved the picture and held it out to the distressed father.

"Here you go, sir," he said, tucking the picture in Hughes' hand since the man's fingers didn't want to work. "You take care of her now. She's got quite a lot of potential. In a few years I'm sure she'll look quite... tasty."

Hughes slowly pointed a shaky accusing finger at Breda. "You... You..."

"Yes?" the lieutenant asked, his face an expression of serene curiosity.

"YOU MONSTER!" Hughes screamed, backing away toward the open door. "YOU STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!" He held the picture to his chest protectively, gave Breda one last evil glare, then turned and ran away as fast as he could.

Breda leaned out the door. "Goodbye, sir!" he called waving. Hughes didn't look back, and, in fact, seemed to ran faster at the sound of the lieutenant's voice.

He turned to find Falman shaking his head in disbelief. "I can't believe that actually worked."

Breda grinned. "Told ya it would."

Havoc matched his grin and lit up a cigarette. "I bet he leaves us alone for at least two weeks now."

Falman frowned. "But what happens after that?"

Breda leaned in close and beckoned the other two to do the same. "That, my friends, is when we begin Phase II."

Havoc raised an eyebrow. "Phase II?"

Breda's grin widened and his eyes held a wicked gleam. "Gentleman, after all the years of picture torture he's put us through, the man deserves nothing less than an all out war."

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OMAKE! -.- -.- EXTRA!

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Lieutenant Hawkeye entered carrying one of her pistols and an empty ammo clip. She gave the three men a puzzled look. "I just saw a terrified Hughes running away from here at top speed. Do you three know anything about it?"

"Oh, yeah," Havoc said, as he took a drag on his cigarette, "He got upset because Breda made a joke about eating his girl."

Hawkeye frowned in confusion. "Why would he get upset over that? He knows how much she enjoys it, and hell she tastes so sweet, and the sounds she makes when you suck her..." She trailed off as she saw the surprised looks on their faces. "Um..." she asked carefully, "You're not talking about Gracia are you?"

Slowly Breda shook his head. "Uh, no ma'am we aren't."

Riza blushed lightly and fiddled with her gun. The eyes of all three men watched her bring up her pistol and check the ammo. "It's probably for the best then," she said, "If you all forget what you just heard." She punctuated her statement by slamming the cartridge on the pistol closed. Hurriedly all three men nodded.

"Now if you'll excuse me," she said as she crossed to her desk and picked up her purse, "I'm off to smooth things over at the Hughes." She paused with her hand on the door frame giving them a knowing smile. "Then maybe I'll stop for something to eat."

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Author's Minor Indulgence

Hughes is harder to write then I thought. I hope he's in character. I know Riza isn't, and isn't intended to be. Breda often gets written as an idiot, but he's actually rather smart, and according to his manga profile is a master tactician.

Yes, there will be at least one more. Yes it will be weird again. And yes, there will be another Omake. It will likely also be OT4. And that one will be even more fucked up then the story itself.

Thanks to the creators and crew of the manga and anime.

Thanks to my husband Ryan who was grossed out by the idea of this fic.

Thanks to those who leave feedback or review. I greatly appreciate it.

And Thanks to you for reading!

-- Anne Packrat (August 1, 2006)


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